Thursday, October 18, 2007 ++
hush now little girl
hello and goodbye.
that's kinda how it went, and reluctantly i admit that it's affecting my mood. the contact lenses aren't helping.
i don't wanna talk about it, i don't wanna think about it, but i am. it's just baffling, and depressing.
the sweetest goodbye
ahhhh. i feel like my whole being's dragged down, too many deadweights, too many 'what if's', too many 'i should's', too many 'i shouldn't haves'.
even though eventually it will be the same, i don't think i can ever get used to it. my heart is still mine.
the tears come but i try to blink them back; it's unbecoming. i would be embarrassed to face anyone in this condition.
i wonder what he did. i wonder what he's doing. i wonder what he'll do tomorrow. whether he's thinking about the same things, whether he regrets anything, maybe he doesn't even care.
i wonder what was my state of mind back then, when i constantly pondered these things. i must have loved and yet hated him so. how come i teeter totter on the brink of such angst? if that were me right now, i'm sure i'd have gone mad. how could i have withstood all of this?
perhaps that is why that period of time, i feel, was me at my most creative. fervent emotions make you feel, really feel, really want to rip your heart out, and really want to stop feeling. is that what they call mellowing? have i mellowed?
i know he would say my temper hasn't.
i feel like tonight, i'm wasting away. languishing. a flower with minutely drooping petals, the tiniest shrivel, the slightest hint of hurt.
ah fuck it. i'm tired. tired of everything, tired of even being angry. it seems that all that remains is the pain, the dull, languid ache, the ever-encroaching tear.
the sweetest goodbye.
~Macaroon nibbles at 3:33 am
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