Friday, July 06, 2007 ++
Single and available
We broke up.
2 years. 2 fights in 1 day. The end.
Terrific. I'm at a loss for words.
Not that I'm terribly sad or anything, but there doesn't seem to be much to say about it. Of course, I feel the requisite strange feeling of not having someone to call at my every whim and fancy, not having someone to message just to say hi or just to say 'I miss you'. But then again, I feel... strange. Strange because I'm not that sad, at least not the kind of devastated sadness then I thought I would plunge headlong into, it's just a very stoic kind of hurt and... yeah. Simple as that.
We had a really bad fight earlier in the evening, because of some stupid argument about how he felt like I kept rejecting his suggestions on where to eat, and instead of making any constructive comments, I supposedly just continued to shoot his ideas down. This point of course I didn't agree with, and basically I just gave him the cold shoulder the entire evening. We fought when we reached his house, and things got so bad that he screamed at me. It seemed like he was shouting with all the rage he could muster, as if a whole lifelong's worth of anger just welled up in him like a sudden ferocious, unrelenting wave, and it all stormed forth in a spate of voracious fury. I wept, sobbing like a broken child, crushed not by his words, but by his ferocity. I can't take verbal abuse. I can't take the person I love most shouting at me like I'm his most vicious enemy, like he doesn't love me at all.
And the second fight ensued when I found out that he had done something taboo yesterday, and pretended not to know anything about it. When once again I gave him the silent treatment, he asked pointedly, "What's the big deal about it?"
Classic. Obviously he doesn't care one bit about how I feel. Previously I had already told him that I don't like him doing that at all, and we had a HUGE fight because of this. And it seems like he had just forgotten about all that and continued with his old ways. And when I discovered the fact that he was still doing it, he didn't give a shit. I mean, he actually said, "What's the big deal?" Well fine! Seems like my being hurt is not a big deal. My being sensitive towards that particular thing is not a big deal. My feelings are not a big deal, contrary to what he always proclaims. All those sweet words. That meant absolutely nothing at all.
Things reached breaking point when he sent me up in the elevator to my house. I told him to get out of the lift, but he vehemently refused and pushed me back into the lift with such violence that resembled what X is capable of. I can't remember what I said, but he retorted in such a vitriolic manner, "YOU'RE the fucking problem." Obviously, no girl with any pride at all would take that lying down, so after a few seconds of hurt, disappointment and anger raging dangerously within me, I uttered those words. No, rather, I spat those words out of my mouth.
"I want a break up."
At that point I seriously couldn't take any more. WTF? You don't care about my feelings, you call ME the fucking problem, you take me for a rag doll that you can push and pull and fuck around with anytime you want, and you think you can get away with it. NO FUCKING WAY. No prizes for figuring out what he said.
"You want a break up? Fine, FUCK OFF."
Just great isn't it. How heroic. How well-mannered. How well brought up this guy is. How highly educated. Isn't it amazing? His choice of vocabulary! Again, no girl would argue with a conviction this brutal. Damn tears started streaming down my face and my hand was trembling, so much so that I kept jangling the keys against the door. I could hear him hit out at the walls of the lift in frustration, but at that time all I wanted to do was get inside the house so that I could get away from this monster I never knew.
I guess I'm just hurt that he actually told me to fuck off. I mean wow, FANTASTIC! A few hours ago you were telling me that you wouldn't let go of me unless I said I didn't love you anymore, and here you are spinning around 180 degrees faster than I can say "bastard" and turning things on its head. Admirable isn't it, such decisiveness, such... Janus-like behaviour. And he DARES to call me fickle.
Oh well. Who gives a shit? I'm sorry darling, but I don't any longer. Once upon a wonderful time you were the man I longed for, but now you're worth no more than a memory.
Goodbye, and this time, there's no turning back.
Labels: the break-up
~Macaroon nibbles at 4:54 am
Thursday, July 05, 2007 ++
Decisions, decisions
So I've started proper on my diet and exercise. Currently at 58.6kg now (just for the record), think I was hovering around 62 sometime last week or the week before. YOSH! がんばってね！絶対にできる！^____^v!
But I'm reconsidering about the date for my PS... Reading imjase's posts, I feel like it's really gonna take a long time to recover from everything. And since this is my final year, I really want to do well. I don't think I can afford to feel depressed or down or anything since there's lotsa stuff to do, major projects to complete... and basically, graduate. *SIGH* But well something good that has come out of all my meticulous planning is that I'm beginning to learn how to save! And I've started to feel the need to earn money too. Well that's always good :D
My original plan was to do it end Nov this year, but then if we're doing an activity in December, it may not work out because I might not have enough time to recover and face the world by then. Also, when I go back to school, I'll have to face everyone I know and the change will be so obvious. Then everyone will know that I went for it. It's kinda scary thinking about having to deal with all the questions, especially when I'll be a sitting duck for all sorts of queries and comments. It's like, you know you have to be back in school and EVERYONE will be able to see the new you, and yet you knowingly go ahead with it. I don't know if that's called being courageous or being dumb... yikes >______<""""
So if it isn't end Nov, then maybe it has to be May next year, or end April... whenever my exams end. I don't even know when the graduation ceremony is. But at least I'll have more time to recover, and I wouldn't need to head back to school to face the hordes. And I'd have saved up more money too. Thinking about it, maybe this makes more sense. Probably I'll talk to DD about it and see what he says. Actually I don't really know what my rationale is for going this December... other than having more time to heal and for things to settle. Maybe joining those competitions was a factor... but come to think of it, doing it earlier simply for the sake of those 'competitions' is frankly quite... frivolous. I'll still be 二十三歳 anyway!
Ah well. Exercise today was like OMG. My face was red for an entire 2 hours! This despite hiding in my air-conditioned room with the temperature set at a mind-boggling 20 degrees. Which is really cold because my dad just cleaned out the filter and I usually sleep with the temp set to 25 deg. Yeah you can imagine ><"""" とにかく、it's healthy ^___^
~Macaroon nibbles at 3:46 am
Site Information ++
Best viewed: Mozilla Firefox. COmpatible with: Netscape, IE5+, Firefox.
No Javascript.