Sunday, July 20, 2008 ++
hurt
so this is how it felt like, 6 years ago, when i waited, hoping against hope, hoping that you would drop me a line, asking me out, or anything of the sort.
an agonizing, painful wait.
but this time, it hurts so much more, because i know, there will not be anything coming.
to hope, knowing there is nothing. perhaps that is known as despair.
everything just seems to remind me of you. as much as i don't want to cry, every waking moment seems to bring a new thought of you, and the tears fall as naturally as breathing.
it stung to receive your text message, so cold and distant, so aloof. it's been a long time since you've written to me that way, and i'm not used to it. i have no choice now i guess, you've made up your mind.
i wish my heart could just stay still, stay quiet. i wish i could stop crying. but i cannot tame my heart, nor my tears.
~Macaroon nibbles at 1:17 pm
Saturday, July 19, 2008 ++
and so love fades
teron cheng kee tat, this post is dedicated to you.
maybe you'll find this post one day when you do a search in google for your name, i hope it's something you're proud of.
i think it's final, this time.
the irony of it does not escape me. just a little over an hour ago, i sat in front of you, spitting venom. i don't regret it, because i do that to everyone who hurts me. sarcasm and insults are the surefire ways to hurt someone back, and it seems like i only know how to deal that way.
so, at long last, we've broken up. you said you couldn't stand me any more, my anger, my selfishness. i do agree that i'm selfish, but not for the reasons you pointed out. i have my own rationale for doing things, rationales which you don't seem to care much about, or seem to just dismiss as being ridiculous or trivial. you tell me to change my mentality. why should i? why should i for someone who doesn't understand that this is a very vulnerable part of me? you just don't seem to understand that this is such a weak spot, such a raw nerve.
i thought you were someone who understood. someone who accepted me as i was. but no, i was mistaken. it seems like even you don't understand.
you say i don't want to be understood. but i've said this many times, so much so that, it's just been taken for granted?
i don't know why it came so suddenly. i didn't expect a break-up at all. at least, i was happy when you called and said, do you want to meet? i should have known, when you said we needed to talk, that you were referring to this. way back in the past, i once encountered the exact same scenario. you called, you said, "we need to talk". and then we broke up.
why do you have to do this to me? why am i doing this to myself? i said i don't care, that you don't mean anything to me, but i know that's not true. i'm always saying things just to seem strong, just to seem tough, when inside, i'm trembling with such a mixture of anger and sadness. but this, you will never know.
i got angry because it seemed like you're always thinking the worst of me. why do you give me so little credit? why do you always take things so negatively? it seems like even walking down to my house is so troublesome for you. when you said it's so out of the way, i felt like you didn't even bother making the effort to just walk a little bit so that we could see each other earlier. fine, it's my fault that i'm always late and i keep making you wait, but then don't you understand why i don't want to be by myself?
you're probably gallivanting with your friends, dissing me, bitching about me, saying what a worthless girlfriend i am, how utterly despicable my temper is, how i'm such a spoilt, selfish brat. whatever. if you don't love me any more, then don't.
i'm sad that it has to end this way. i thought we had something special, something that lasted even though there were so many obstacles in the way. if neither of us gives up, nothing would keep us apart. but then you chose to. it's always you. you you you. and you say i'm selfish?
you make promises, but you don't keep them. at least i don't make promises and then proceed to break them.
i guess you're feeling relieved, that finally you don't have to deal with my monster of a temper anymore, that you don't have to deal with my selfishness any longer. i'm just hurt. but there is nothing to do except pick myself up and move on.
now that you've said so honestly that you don't want to love me any longer, i have no desire to love you any more as well. we were never meant to be friends, what more lovers.
i feel like deleting everything i have of you, your photos, your text messages, your emails. i guess i just can't, not right now.
inside i try to feel the tiniest flicker of hope, but i know i'm just being stupid and ridiculous.
goodbye to the person i once loved, and love no more.
~Macaroon nibbles at 8:49 pm
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