Sunday, July 20, 2008 ++
hurt
so this is how it felt like, 6 years ago, when i waited, hoping against hope, hoping that you would drop me a line, asking me out, or anything of the sort.
an agonizing, painful wait.
but this time, it hurts so much more, because i know, there will not be anything coming.
to hope, knowing there is nothing. perhaps that is known as despair.
everything just seems to remind me of you. as much as i don't want to cry, every waking moment seems to bring a new thought of you, and the tears fall as naturally as breathing.
it stung to receive your text message, so cold and distant, so aloof. it's been a long time since you've written to me that way, and i'm not used to it. i have no choice now i guess, you've made up your mind.
i wish my heart could just stay still, stay quiet. i wish i could stop crying. but i cannot tame my heart, nor my tears.
~Macaroon nibbles at 1:17 pm
Saturday, July 19, 2008 ++
and so love fades
teron cheng kee tat, this post is dedicated to you.
maybe you'll find this post one day when you do a search in google for your name, i hope it's something you're proud of.
i think it's final, this time.
the irony of it does not escape me. just a little over an hour ago, i sat in front of you, spitting venom. i don't regret it, because i do that to everyone who hurts me. sarcasm and insults are the surefire ways to hurt someone back, and it seems like i only know how to deal that way.
so, at long last, we've broken up. you said you couldn't stand me any more, my anger, my selfishness. i do agree that i'm selfish, but not for the reasons you pointed out. i have my own rationale for doing things, rationales which you don't seem to care much about, or seem to just dismiss as being ridiculous or trivial. you tell me to change my mentality. why should i? why should i for someone who doesn't understand that this is a very vulnerable part of me? you just don't seem to understand that this is such a weak spot, such a raw nerve.
i thought you were someone who understood. someone who accepted me as i was. but no, i was mistaken. it seems like even you don't understand.
you say i don't want to be understood. but i've said this many times, so much so that, it's just been taken for granted?
i don't know why it came so suddenly. i didn't expect a break-up at all. at least, i was happy when you called and said, do you want to meet? i should have known, when you said we needed to talk, that you were referring to this. way back in the past, i once encountered the exact same scenario. you called, you said, "we need to talk". and then we broke up.
why do you have to do this to me? why am i doing this to myself? i said i don't care, that you don't mean anything to me, but i know that's not true. i'm always saying things just to seem strong, just to seem tough, when inside, i'm trembling with such a mixture of anger and sadness. but this, you will never know.
i got angry because it seemed like you're always thinking the worst of me. why do you give me so little credit? why do you always take things so negatively? it seems like even walking down to my house is so troublesome for you. when you said it's so out of the way, i felt like you didn't even bother making the effort to just walk a little bit so that we could see each other earlier. fine, it's my fault that i'm always late and i keep making you wait, but then don't you understand why i don't want to be by myself?
you're probably gallivanting with your friends, dissing me, bitching about me, saying what a worthless girlfriend i am, how utterly despicable my temper is, how i'm such a spoilt, selfish brat. whatever. if you don't love me any more, then don't.
i'm sad that it has to end this way. i thought we had something special, something that lasted even though there were so many obstacles in the way. if neither of us gives up, nothing would keep us apart. but then you chose to. it's always you. you you you. and you say i'm selfish?
you make promises, but you don't keep them. at least i don't make promises and then proceed to break them.
i guess you're feeling relieved, that finally you don't have to deal with my monster of a temper anymore, that you don't have to deal with my selfishness any longer. i'm just hurt. but there is nothing to do except pick myself up and move on.
now that you've said so honestly that you don't want to love me any longer, i have no desire to love you any more as well. we were never meant to be friends, what more lovers.
i feel like deleting everything i have of you, your photos, your text messages, your emails. i guess i just can't, not right now.
inside i try to feel the tiniest flicker of hope, but i know i'm just being stupid and ridiculous.
goodbye to the person i once loved, and love no more.
~Macaroon nibbles at 8:49 pm
Wednesday, November 28, 2007 ++
cut along the dotted line
my heart is fragile, and frail
a whisper, and it wavers
between the brink of hope
and a helpless despair.
no one understands my heart
the feet that quiver
over grassy beds
as they wander through lavender fields
and shards of glass
you cannot save me now
perhaps you were never meant to
all you could do
was watch from behind
and offer love from a shadow
love that shifts and breathes and is unkind
love that kills me further
in the still of the night
i cried, and wished you were here
i cradled in someone else's arms
and drifted off in peaceful sleep.
my heart is in turmoil
but you do not see.
i need an anchor
but you throw me a hook.
could you love me like you used to?
~Macaroon nibbles at 12:22 am
Tuesday, November 27, 2007 ++
disappointment melts my bones.
~Macaroon nibbles at 8:47 pm
++
never a perfect love
i honestly feel that i have been relying too much on you for my happiness.
when you disappoint me, my being rings with a dull, hollow ache.
it is sad, and sadder still that it has come to this.
i have to gain back my independence, i have to take some part of my heart back from you.
i wanted to love with no holding back, but it seems its cost is too dear to bear.
it hurts too much, as once again i have learnt.
you are not there for me when i need you.
you don't know how much i need to see you.
you misconstrue my hurt as reluctance.
the more i think about it, the more i feel
i've given up so much for you
is it really unfair
to ask you to give something up for me too?
again you drag me down down down
i need to stop this sinking. i am all alone.
~Macaroon nibbles at 8:34 pm
Saturday, November 24, 2007 ++
let the radio play on
what do you do when you get tired of your life.
i think it's more of a rhetorical question than anything else, but still. i'm tired of all the flowery language, the niceties, the fake smiles, the 'i have to be strong i have to be understanding i have to see from other people's points of view'. i'm tired.
so bloody meaningless.
is this what happens, when you've been together too long. is this what happens, when love is fading?
you feel like the other person cares less. you feel like what used to matter so much in the past, doesn't really matter so much any more.
i honestly feel like i don't know what i want out of my life.
i can overcome tiredness. i can, but it seems like you can't.
you say i have to communicate more, to tell you exactly what i'm feeling. well then, why can't you understand on your own? or are you just not bothered to make the effort?
i don't know, and honestly, i don't want to figure out the answer now.
~Macaroon nibbles at 12:22 am
Thursday, October 18, 2007 ++
stop wrenching already
So he called, 6 hours after I stormed out of his house, to check if I got home.
What does that say about sincerity?
When I saw that it was him calling, my first instinct was not to answer. What would be the point? Why should I give him the satisfaction?
Then I told myself to stop being so childish and give things a chance.
Great move.
Whatever, maybe I was expecting too much. One thing, don't expect much of a person if you don't wanna be left disappointed.
I wish I didn't answer because now I am left feeling so cheated and so... vulnerable. Damnit.
I don't think I'll be taking calls from him anytime soon, even if he does.
I would be surprised.
~Macaroon nibbles at 6:06 am
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